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How to Be a Man in Mid-Life

I mentioned to a colleague recently that some of my visitors find my blog by typing in to a search engine "mid-life crisis at 25" and his response was "That's just being 25." I couldn't agree more.

The term midlife crisis has become an umbrella term for any "radical change in behavior." The key difference between being a man at 25 and being a man at 45 is perspective.

Bishop Craig offers some perspective on how to be a man in mid life. To summarize, ask yourself

#1 - Where am I in terms of my own primary sense of identity or value?

If the man gains his identity primarily from work he will evaluate himself in terms of his career; if as a husband he will evaluate in terms of his marriage; if from parenting he will evaluate in terms of how his kids have turned out; if as an athlete he will evaluate in terms of his ongoing athleticism, and so on.

#2 - What am I afraid of?

We are socially conditioned as western males to deny fear, but all of us are afraid of something. Perhaps it's death (our own or of those we love), or being alone (either through death or abandonment), or being unloved, or (perhaps worst of all) of being incapacitated and finding no one to care for us or about us.

# 3 - What actions do I regret?

We all have regrets, but at this point in a man's life he starts thinking about them with an eye toward either making them right or making changes and/or doing things we wish we had done years ago but were too busy to do. That might mean taking up a new hobby, or trying a new career, or trying any of a number of other new things - not all of them healthy or productive.

Read more about Bishop Craig’s' thoughts on midlife reassessment.

As a midlife man, he's more qualified to speak on men's issues than I.

Job Burn Out or Midlife Crisis?

That boring job should sound an alarm, according to Phyllis Korkki, NY Times career coach. A twenty-year career coincides with midlife if you started that job in your twenties. If you're career isn't changing after 40, I would become suspicious. But just because your boring job collides with your middling years, doesn't necessarily mean that you're having a midlife crisis.

In fact, recognizing your boring job for what it is can be a wake-up call. Boredom is a symptom.

"Sometimes your very success can lead to boredom," said Rachelle J. Canter, career coach and author of Make the Right Career Move. "If you continue to do the same thing again and again, and you're good at it, people are going to ask you to do the same thing."

It's easy to blame the boss, your wife, or a "midlife crisis" on your current unhappiness, but, ultimately, you're the only one in charge of your career growth and happiness.

I've purposely avoided the corporate career track and now find myself at midlife working for a Fortune 500 company where 30-year careers are common. Even though I'm bored occasionally (the pace in corporate America is much slower than the hard-charging business start-up), it's still a new experience for me. (You can read about my own career transition here.)

Another employee, however, found himself feeling stuck. He'd been doing the same kind of work pretty much his entire tenure. When his boss recommended he apply for an assignment overseas, he found the idea exhilarating. Even though his commute increased from twenty minutes to two days, he's glad he made the move and describes himself as more engaged and enthused. All he needed was a midlife career correction, not necessarily a mid life career change.

So if you're bored at work, I suspect you need a new challenge. As a self-starter, I create challenges for myself all the time. For me, it's a sure-fire antidote to boredom. If you're waiting for a boss to challenge you, you may need to take the initiative to create challenges for yourself.

We want to be doing more than surviving midlife; we want to be thriving. At least I do.

The Mid-Life Brain & Beyond

Want to build muscle, improve memory and condition the brain? In a recent USA Today interview, John Ratey, M.D. recommends working up a sweat at least four or five days a week if you find yourself stressed or depressed.

More importantly, a vigorous workout can help revitalize the aging brain. Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain, points to a number of studies that show regular physical activity can prevent the age-related fogginess that often develops by age 65.

Exercise connects the head to the body. For example, the act of walking grounds one to the earth; weight training focuses you on your body; bike riding makes you mentally alert for cars and stray dogs!

But, I think the greatest antidote to mental fatigue and ennui is laughter.

I attended a health and fitness lecture yesterday conducted by Austin Davis, a former stand-up comedian, police officer and male adventurer. His Web site bills him as "America's funniest fitness specialist." I don't know about "America's," but he certainly is Houston's funniest professional trainer.

After a serious sky diving accident ("Is there any other kind?" Austin asks.), he decided to take control of his midlife male body. (Visit FitandFunny.net for more info.)

When I left the session, I was motivated to change some habits, both physical and mental. Prior to attending, I hadn't known I was making excuses for my sedentary lifestyle. Somehow, the laughter cleared the cobwebs in my brain. Austin Davis, with his "laugh and learn" approach, gave me the stimulus I needed.

Austin's best advice: Relax. Reflect. Re-center. Even if you don't change your eating habits, new mental habits can create a new you.

Injustice in the Justice System: The Shame of Juvenile Incarceration

Statistics prove it; recent events in Jena, LA confirm it. USA Today's editorial, "In La., a missed opportunity ignites a racial uproar," (10/05/2007), fulfills its mission "to serve as a forum for better understanding and unity to help make the USA truly one nation," Al Neuharth, Founder, wrote September 15, 1982.

Clearly I am not black nor male but I remember the '68 race riots in Detroit. I was only in grade school but remember trying to make sense of the anger in the streets. My father was particularly shaken because many of his customers were black and lived within the city limits. The city was in lock down. He didn't work for three days, and the good people were prisoners in their own homes.

But I believe the bigger story has been hidden. Until now.

Congresswoman Barbara Lee (D-Oakland), states that public policy in California drives the building of more prisons and pulls no punches in this YouTube video.

When

• a five-year-old is handcuffed and taken to jail for having a 30-minute temper tantrum


• a nine-year-old is charged with attempted armed robbery with only a towel wrapped around his hands


• five students, 14 to 18, were charged with second degree murder for a school fight and their tennis shoes deemed "lethal weapons"

our communities and leaders should be ashamed.

The Gathering For Justice addresses this sickening scope of juvenile incarceration. Spearheaded by some of the most notable thought leaders in the black community (Harry Belafonte, Marion Wright Edelman, Dr. Cornel West, Ruby Dee, and others), The Gathering evolved out of the understanding that civil rights and social justice organizations require national solidarity and collective focus to stop the political and moral obscenities that are severely undermining our justice system and violating the most sacred tenets of the U.S. Constitution.

They have created an intergenerational, interracial, and multicultural space where like-minded individuals can work together to change the justice process.

As the atrocities of WWII were being revealed, a man was asked, "What is the nature of evil?"

"It is when good men do nothing," he said.

The purpose of this blog is to encourage, educate, inspire and, on this occasion, to engender outrage among virtuous men. Watch the video and you'll see what I mean.

Self-Acceptance: Get In Touch With Your Masculinity

The New Bloke is a man with self confidence who advocates that men do blokey stuff. (Bloke is UK-speak for a "guys guy".)

"Blokeyness is about being an everyday male. It has become almost politically incorrect to be a male in western civilization. The New Man was a con. He was held up as an example to us all, mainly because he would buy lots of clothes and grooming products," writes Shoo Rayner.

By day Mr. Rayner is a children’s author and has spent half his lifetime working with women. At the age of fifty, he woke up and realized that he was not a New Man, in touch with his feminine side, but an old-fashioned, competitive bloke.

Follow Shoo’s exploits as he comes to terms with his masculinity and tries to become The New Bloke.

Symptoms of Early Midlife Crisis

Thirty-something men apparently are more disillusioned, misdirected and apathetic than ever. According to Alden Cass, a clinical psychologist and performance coach, when reality doesn't meet expectations, he finds that younger men experience the equivalent of the male mid-life crisis at a younger age.

Perfectionist personality types tend to exhibit these symptoms and Cass focuses his findings on the financial sector, which attracts the more Type A personality.

So if you're not on Wall Street or the Chicago Mercantile and don't have unrealistic expectations, don't worry, be happy. See following post :-)

Unhappiness In Men

Are men less happy than women? Is the midlife crisis a marker event that defines you or expands you?

This week LifeTwo.com dedicates the week to improved happiness inspired by Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar and his book Happier. Thirty years ago, Dr. Leo Busgalia became famous as the "Love" doctor teaching college courses and holding seminars broadcast during PBS fundraisers. Today, we have websites, blogs and podcasts devoted to helping people live happier more productive lives.

Happiness, love, and contentment are all part of a continuum toward personal growth. You can always be happier. Therefore, as recommended by Ben-Shahar, the question should not be whether you are happy but what you can do to become happier. Better yet, ask yourself, "How can I be happier now and in the future?" Figuring out the answer to this last question and then doing something about it is the goal of LifeTwo's "How To Be Happy" week.

For me, it's been a lifelong pursuit, and I think now that I may have finally found an avenue to financial freedom I'll gladly let go the struggle. While it's been said that money can't make you happy, it sure helps.

Mid-Life Crisis Favorite Movies Poll

How would you rate the following mid-life crisis movies? City Slickers American Beauty About Schmidt Bull Durham Sideways In Good Company Lost In Translation Somethings Gotta Give Lost In America The Wonder Boys (You'll also see how other users have answered.) Poll by PollHead

Inspired by LifeTwo's [Hypothetical] Male Mid-life Crisis Film Festival.