man-o-pause

Man-o-pause Call for Submissions

For the first time ever, I'm opening this site to guest authors. Regular readers will know that I'm busy with my Web consulting and the launch of my latest site, Search for Meaning. I'm simply running slow on posting meaningful content and don't want new readers to miss out on almost four years worth of great posts.

If you have something to say that is insightful and informative about any of the following:

Male Midlife Crisis
Healthy Relationships
Quarterlife Crisis
Male Humor
Mid-life Career Change

please send me an email. Just click the "email me" link below my photo.

Submission Guidelines:

1. 100-300 words max.
2. No blatant self-promotion (although I am generous with keywords in anchor text.)
3. A reciprocal link to Search for Meaning.

Can Cosmetic Surgery Improve Your Career?

A news segment popped up, "Career Change and Cosmetic Surgery," while I was dutifully riding the stationary bike at the health club.

This is the latest twist on the down economy and the slumping job market, apparently. Not surprisingly, the segment featured only women. By all measures, the economy has hit men the hardest. I wonder if women, in recognizing that they need to change something, even if it's invasive surgery, are fairing better in a tight job market because they are willing to change.

I'm not advocating surgery. I think it's extreme. However, it''s in our capacity to adapt to changing conditions that serve us now and in the future.

I DO question what's become of us as a culture, when the first thing a prospective employer judges is your face.

There are so many issues that this concept of Corrective Surgery as a Competitive Advantage raises, that I'd like to hear from my readers.

What Women Really Want . . . For Christmas

... a good belly laugh and a new pair of shoes.

First, the laughter. I hate to admit this, but I don't much read blogs. At least outside my Web marketing/Tech arena in order to stay current. So when I stumble upon a blog that not only did I read for TWO hours, but also had to stifle my snorts and chuckles so as not to disturb my cube mates, I had to send a shout out.

She is (drum roll please) The Bloggess. She entertains like Bette Midler, writes like Nora Ephron (Baby Boomer shout outs!) and swears like a street thug sailor. But I haven't been this amused since I stopped talking to myself. Just know that there is no in between for The Bloggess.

Next up, shoes. I discovered a site for the whole family, actually, but I believe women have been known to experience multiple orgasms over shoe talk. Sorry guys. I said "shoe talk" not "sex talk". (I suspect I'll see a spike in my search referral traffic for writing that last sentence.)

The site, www.ShopItToMe.com, alerts subscribers to sale items from 500+ designer and name brand manufacturers that match their size and preferences. And these are true 50% off sale prices. I know because I spent an hour surfing my recent alert and, if our server hadn't been so slow, I would've finished my Christmas shopping by now.

I like to think of this as an equal opportunity blog. So guys get shopppin' and gals get laughin'. The holidays will be over before we know it.

Father's Heartbreak

There are no accidents. Last night I finished reading one of my favorite authors, Bill Pronzini, who writes mysteries. The subject was about an abducted son. The mother was crazy with worry.

Fast forward. I'm tooling around my blog, clicking on old posts, and I click on a link to Mensight Magazine from 2005. This is what I read:

On June 16, 2004 David Goldman said goodbye to his son, Sean, at Newark Airport. He didn't know it at the time but his wife, Bruna, was in the process of abducting Sean and taking him to Brazil with no intention of ever returning. In the United States, we call this kidnapping. In Brazil, they call it "the mother's wishes." For over four years David has been fighting relentlessly against the Brazilian judicial system to win back custody of Sean and bring him home to their house in Tinton Falls, New Jersey. Watch the video. I'm absolutely speechless. Twitter friends, help out, if you can.

Of Mid-Life Crisis Affairs

As John Edwards demonstrated, there is no timeline for a midlife affair. Was it precipitated by a crisis? Were there any indications that he wanted to leave his wife and end the marriage? Only he knows for certain, although it seemed important that the voyeur-watching public know that his wife’s cancer was in remission.

Affairs are never about sex, IMHO. I knew a colleague who, while never having had sex with her coworker, was having an affair nonetheless. Their relationship involved sharing intimate details that neither wanted to share with his/her spouse.

Affairs are really about violating a trust. And any committed relationship, regardless of marital status, can succumb to a midlife affair.

While midlife seems to be the time when men and women tend to stray, it’s not necessarily a cookie-cutter midlife crisis affair, e.g. "My wife/husband never touches me."

For example, a woman asked a UK newspaper columnist, “Is my partner having a mid-life crisis?” when her husband’s behavior changed dramatically after learning that his step-daughter was pregnant. Apparently, when she called him “Grandpa” jokingly, he snapped.

The columnist’s advice was to hang tough; give him time and space to sort things through.

I met a 54-year-old Englishman at a party last weekend who told me of divorcing his wife after 20 years because she wouldn’t (or couldn’t) stop coddling their 20-something. He, too, snapped. He didn’t volunteer whether he was having an affair or not.

While clearly he was a man in crisis, a sexual affair might have been the better choice. His story sounded like a classic case of midlife neglect.

Who knows anymore? There are as many midlife crisis affairs as there are reasons to have one.

But it’s when you’re being dishonest with yourself that you really land in the soup, regardless of age, gender or country of origin.

Two Men Debate Midlife Relationships

Okay. Maybe not debate, but here are two Baby Boomer men with different and distinct points of view. And since I get to be the moderator, I'm calling this a debate in the hopes that my lurking readers will join in ;-)

The "How To Survive Male Menopause" post has received the most traffic and click-thrus of any post I've written in three years.

Yet MidAgedMan comments, "I think that this is a somewhat ridiculous concept. "Crisis" is often too strong a word - what we, like any human being, need is a partner who can accept change and grow with us."

I agree, but for many, that information resonated. I'm one of the fortunate who can call her husband "my best friend." And crises being part of life, I like to think that not only are we surviving midlife, we're thriving and overcoming the odds of mid-life meltdown.

Then we have Man Up Men, who's launched a companion blog to promote his 143-page book, Have a Great Midlife Crisis. Based on my cursory review of his posts, it's pretty clear he's grasped that controversy sells. Well, maybe not sells, but certainly stirs things up.

He's also wrangling with this whole Social Media thing. (Hint: Throwing up a blog that is so obviously self-serving will not win you fans nor buyers.) You'll notice no link love here.

If he'd left off the subtitle, "Without Getting Caught," I might have been able to recommend the book. If you're really advocating "to man up," why not be a man and exit gracefully without the collateral damage?

Man-o-pause strives to bridge the gaps between men and women, not divide and conquer. Part of having a great midlife is having gained perspective on the "gender wars" and coming through intact and improved.

This Neanderthal approach to men vs. women will insult enlightened men everywhere. Why would anyone spend $19.95 for a 143-page rant, when you can come to Man-o-pause and read over 180 posts for free?

As MidAgeMan so succinctly states it: Crisis is often too strong a word.

I prefer opportunity. But then again, we all have our take on the mid-life crisis cure.

If you're looking for great books to help you meet the midlife transition with dignity and humor, look no further than the right column for books I recommend through Amazon.

Two books I recommend wholeheartedly are Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants, by Eliot Katz and Real Men Don't Apologize, by Jim Belushi.

Midlife Crisis Wife

Menopause Humor

Since this is an equal opportunity midlife blog, I think it's only fair to follow How to Survive Male Menopause with a bit about your midlife crisis wife. I find it's best to use humor when trying to understand women, especially during that time of month. Women, if your significant other doesn't appreciate raging hormones, he will after viewing this video.

Hey guys, you could have it worse.

How to Survive Male Menopause

Male Menopause

When I came up with the name of this blog, Man-o-pause, I wanted to convey levity to the change of life for men. Unlike the female menopause, which has been researched, dissected and discussed for years, men rarely seek help when a midlife crisis strikes.

The fact is the male mid-life is no laughing matter. The midlife anger that often erupts for men can and does destroy family relationships, self esteem, and physical health.

Jed Diamond, a pioneer in the emerging field of male gender medicine, addresses a woman's concern in helping a spouse through his midlife crisis. He details the latest research findings on male menopause symptoms and on this crucial change of life for men.* For example,

* 52% of men between 40 and 70 in the U.S. are now going through male menopause.
* Men experience complex hormonal rhythyms that affect their mood, their physical well-being and their sexuality.
* Emotional symptoms include irritability, worry, indecisiveness and depression.
* Physical symptoms include fatigue, weight gain, short-term memory loss and sleep disturbance.
* Sexual symptoms include reduced libido, fear of sexual failure and an increased desire to "prove" he can still perform by seeking a younger partner.

Finally, male menopause is like adolescent puberty where a man faces issues of identity, sexuality, dependence and independence for the second time.

What makes this so difficult for the family, and spouse in particular, is that because the symptoms of male menopause often come on suddenly, the reaction is often one of judgement and recrimination.

I remember preparing for my son's eventual passage through adolescence when he was only a toddler. I had read that adolescence was very similar to the Terrible Twos. I thought that if I gave myself a 10-year head start, I'd be better prepared for the inevitable adolescent angst, and I was.

To my female readers, I recommend preparing for your husband's midlife as he approaches 40. I speak from experience. You'll need time to work through your own levels of acceptance, similar to Elizabeth Kübler-Ross's "Five Stages of Grief," because this phase often represents a "loss" of the man you once knew.

Change is never easy, but awareness is the first step toward acceptance and your man in this stage of life needs all the love, patience and mid-life support you can offer.

Ending on a lighter note, I just discovered a multi-search site at Webmonkey called Addict-o-matic™-inhale the web. I gathered all the news, YouTube videos, Flickr photos, top blogs and twitters, Diggs and Wikios found across the Web all about male menopause.

Isn't it great to know you're not alone?

* Go to How to Survive Male Menopause for the complete article.