man-o-pause

4 Strategies to Sanity

Or, What to do When Shit Happens...

The only recommendations I've made through this site are the links I post to resources I find compelling, humorous, insightful or helpful. Today, I'm encouraging my readers who have the time and $19.95 to attend Les Brown's online seminar.

Here are the details:

Event: At the Turning Point: 4 Strategies for Sanity
       "Limited Space at this Powerful Webinar"
What: Informational Meeting
Host: H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC
Start Time: Tomorrow, March 24 at 8:00pm
End Time: Wednesday, March 25 at 9:00pm
Where: Online (Eastern/NY Time)

What’s Next?

This webinar is an introduction to a four-week workshop in which Les will present all seven of the critical life strategies and walk participants through exercises that will teach them how to apply these strategies in creating a successful business, relationship, or life.

How to Register

Details and registration can be found at http://www.turning-pt.com/fe-101.html. The cost is $19.95 for the 2-part webinar, and registrants will receive an audio CD with humorous reflections on the seven critical life strategies. There are limited seats at the webinar, and they’ll be assigned on a first-come-first-serve basis, so early registration is strongly advised.

Of Mid-Life Crisis Affairs

As John Edwards demonstrated, there is no timeline for a midlife affair. Was it precipitated by a crisis? Were there any indications that he wanted to leave his wife and end the marriage? Only he knows for certain, although it seemed important that the voyeur-watching public know that his wife’s cancer was in remission.

Affairs are never about sex, IMHO. I knew a colleague who, while never having had sex with her coworker, was having an affair nonetheless. Their relationship involved sharing intimate details that neither wanted to share with his/her spouse.

Affairs are really about violating a trust. And any committed relationship, regardless of marital status, can succumb to a midlife affair.

While midlife seems to be the time when men and women tend to stray, it’s not necessarily a cookie-cutter midlife crisis affair, e.g. "My wife/husband never touches me."

For example, a woman asked a UK newspaper columnist, “Is my partner having a mid-life crisis?” when her husband’s behavior changed dramatically after learning that his step-daughter was pregnant. Apparently, when she called him “Grandpa” jokingly, he snapped.

The columnist’s advice was to hang tough; give him time and space to sort things through.

I met a 54-year-old Englishman at a party last weekend who told me of divorcing his wife after 20 years because she wouldn’t (or couldn’t) stop coddling their 20-something. He, too, snapped. He didn’t volunteer whether he was having an affair or not.

While clearly he was a man in crisis, a sexual affair might have been the better choice. His story sounded like a classic case of midlife neglect.

Who knows anymore? There are as many midlife crisis affairs as there are reasons to have one.

But it’s when you’re being dishonest with yourself that you really land in the soup, regardless of age, gender or country of origin.

Two Men Debate Midlife Relationships

Okay. Maybe not debate, but here are two Baby Boomer men with different and distinct points of view. And since I get to be the moderator, I'm calling this a debate in the hopes that my lurking readers will join in ;-)

The "How To Survive Male Menopause" post has received the most traffic and click-thrus of any post I've written in three years.

Yet MidAgedMan comments, "I think that this is a somewhat ridiculous concept. "Crisis" is often too strong a word - what we, like any human being, need is a partner who can accept change and grow with us."

I agree, but for many, that information resonated. I'm one of the fortunate who can call her husband "my best friend." And crises being part of life, I like to think that not only are we surviving midlife, we're thriving and overcoming the odds of mid-life meltdown.

Then we have Man Up Men, who's launched a companion blog to promote his 143-page book, Have a Great Midlife Crisis. Based on my cursory review of his posts, it's pretty clear he's grasped that controversy sells. Well, maybe not sells, but certainly stirs things up.

He's also wrangling with this whole Social Media thing. (Hint: Throwing up a blog that is so obviously self-serving will not win you fans nor buyers.) You'll notice no link love here.

If he'd left off the subtitle, "Without Getting Caught," I might have been able to recommend the book. If you're really advocating "to man up," why not be a man and exit gracefully without the collateral damage?

Man-o-pause strives to bridge the gaps between men and women, not divide and conquer. Part of having a great midlife is having gained perspective on the "gender wars" and coming through intact and improved.

This Neanderthal approach to men vs. women will insult enlightened men everywhere. Why would anyone spend $19.95 for a 143-page rant, when you can come to Man-o-pause and read over 180 posts for free?

As MidAgeMan so succinctly states it: Crisis is often too strong a word.

I prefer opportunity. But then again, we all have our take on the mid-life crisis cure.

If you're looking for great books to help you meet the midlife transition with dignity and humor, look no further than the right column for books I recommend through Amazon.

Two books I recommend wholeheartedly are Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants, by Eliot Katz and Real Men Don't Apologize, by Jim Belushi.

Boomer Kids' Quarterlife Crisis

How to Survive Your 20-Something's Midlife Crisis

Mid-life crisis, quarterlife crisis, all around angst. I want to stop the world and get off. I want to run away from home. But I know that this knee-jerk reaction is a subconscious fear that I can't handle "it".

The "it" in this post is a child's 20-something, quarter-something, WTF-not again crisis. Many of my readers are struggling with their own insecurities about unmet expectations in midlife, and they may not have the emotional reserves or stamina to manage their adult children's quarterlife crisis as well.

Prior to reading Quarterlife Qualms, I was fuming about my son's irresponsible behavior, yet again. I just didn't get it. How hard is it to get a job and keep it for more than six months?

Quarterlife Qualms provides some insight into this "quarterlife crisis for twentysomethings:"

1. Competition in the job market has intensified with a 53% increase in college enrollment since 1970.*
2. Attaining a decent standard of living requires a college degree today.
3. To reach the level that their parents have achieved often requires a professional degree.
4. College didn't prepare them for the harsh realities of "real life" nor did their parents (emphasis mine.)

"It's like, 'Man, I didn't ask to be an adult.... I don't feel like one. I still feel like I'm in high school...' ," said Jeff Milone, 27, founder of Quarterlives - Truth in Our Twenties.

For us "helicopter parents," therein lies the rub.

How many of my female readers were pregnant with their first (or second) child by the time they were 27; how many men (women) had been in the adult workplace for 5+ years?

All together now, "When I was your age...!" OMG - we've become our parents.

It all boils down to expectations. We can blame society, the econmony, pop culture or ourselves. I believe that there is a correlation between the quarterlife crisis and the midlife crisis.

Two twenty-something women quoted in the post agree. They believe that "if you really go through the quarterlife crisis on a deep or profound level, you might be able to escape another crisis in midlife."

What can Boomer parents do? Lower one's expectations. Reward positive behavior and ignore the rest. Understanding and tolerance go a long way.

Funny. That's the advice I give when women ask, "How can I deal with my husband's midlife crisis?

*Source:Quarterlife Crisis Hits Many in Late 20s: Settling on a Real, Grown-Up Job is Harder for a New Generation of College Grads, Keturah Gray, ABC News (2005).

Midlife Crisis Wife

Menopause Humor

Since this is an equal opportunity midlife blog, I think it's only fair to follow How to Survive Male Menopause with a bit about your midlife crisis wife. I find it's best to use humor when trying to understand women, especially during that time of month. Women, if your significant other doesn't appreciate raging hormones, he will after viewing this video.

Hey guys, you could have it worse.

Starbucks' Mid-Career Crisis

Starbucks is hitting some resistance to its phenomenal growth. Same store sales are down, the CEO has publicly questioned the dilution of the brand and side offerings are getting lukewarm reception in the market. Is Starbucks going through a mid-life crisis?

Sounds similar to a corporate mid-career crisis. After having run half the marathon you're out of juice and not sure which path to take. Are you questioning your ability to make it to the finish line? So what does Starbucks tell us about getting a handle on this mid-career situation?

Growth Strategy: You are probably stuck mid-stream because you are unsure about your career path. Just like adding more stores is not working for Starbucks, you know what is not working for you but are unsure about what will. Strategize your growth and career options. Look at the big picture, and put the pieces together of where you want to be eventually. Then chalk out a plan for getting there. Confer with mentors. Review, evaluate and create your growth strategy. As they say – “if you don’t know where you are going, any road will do.”

Focus: Are you digressing from your strengths? Remember Starbucks trying to sell music and movies? Starbucks' true service offering is coffee, not music and movies. Don’t make that mistake in your career. Diversify, expand, learn, but keep your focus on what you do well and how to leverage those strengths to move forward.

Brand Management: When the Starbucks chairman, Howard Schultz, frets that rapid expansion is diluting the brand, there is something to learn from that message. You have a brand and your brand proclaims who you are. You have spent years inculcating that brand – don’t dilute your brand by being negligent and comfortable. Brand management requires exemplary delivery on the promise. Your brand and credibility is contingent on your execution. You cannot afford to let-up.

Capitalizing on your strengths is a big part of career progression. I recommend this post on career management. Whether you're looking to make a midlife career change or establishing a second career mid life, Mark Runta offers excellent advice on the subject.

Says Mark: "You have come this far and kudos to you for that accomplishment. But the race is still on and the last half is harder. A lot harder! The prepared, resolute and focused usually finish the race."

If you still have the energy to climb the ladder, Mark offers a free e-book, Unstuck, to help you reenergize your career progression.

Thanks to Mark Runta, who offers thoughts and comments on Project Management and Global Outsourcing on his blog.

Mid-Life Resurrection

If you're transitioning through midlife full-bore, you may be surprised one day to find yourself stuck in a life you no longer want.

Don't despair. Just as in adolescence, angst and disorientation are all part of the mid-life transition. A spirit of self-acceptance will help.

Midlife is an opportunity to resurrect oneself from the mire of matter and false gods. If you've been laboring in a field that leaves you feeling dull and diminished, recognize labor for its true purpose. Labor is the process of manifesting achievements that are reached through striving. Through labor you open your inner resources. No matter what your profession, it is your striving that defines you, not your title.

A great Sage said, "Through labor we conquer." What is there to conquer? you may ask. We conquer our small, limited, false self.

When labor and striving unite, there is resurrection. Resurrection is freedom from fear, anxiety and distress. Seek each day to stand with new definiteness that you are the Self. Embrace this time of opportunity for expansion.

More radiant than the sun,
purer than the snow,
subtler than the ether,
is the Self,
the Spirit within my heart.
I am that Self;
that Self am I.

How to Be a Man in Mid-Life

I mentioned to a colleague recently that some of my visitors find my blog by typing in to a search engine "mid-life crisis at 25" and his response was "That's just being 25." I couldn't agree more.

The term midlife crisis has become an umbrella term for any "radical change in behavior." The key difference between being a man at 25 and being a man at 45 is perspective.

Bishop Craig offers some perspective on how to be a man in mid life. To summarize, ask yourself

#1 - Where am I in terms of my own primary sense of identity or value?

If the man gains his identity primarily from work he will evaluate himself in terms of his career; if as a husband he will evaluate in terms of his marriage; if from parenting he will evaluate in terms of how his kids have turned out; if as an athlete he will evaluate in terms of his ongoing athleticism, and so on.

#2 - What am I afraid of?

We are socially conditioned as western males to deny fear, but all of us are afraid of something. Perhaps it's death (our own or of those we love), or being alone (either through death or abandonment), or being unloved, or (perhaps worst of all) of being incapacitated and finding no one to care for us or about us.

# 3 - What actions do I regret?

We all have regrets, but at this point in a man's life he starts thinking about them with an eye toward either making them right or making changes and/or doing things we wish we had done years ago but were too busy to do. That might mean taking up a new hobby, or trying a new career, or trying any of a number of other new things - not all of them healthy or productive.

Read more about Bishop Craig’s' thoughts on midlife reassessment.

As a midlife man, he's more qualified to speak on men's issues than I.